Can't Think of a Title 想不到的题目

今天我想以华语来表达心声，写部落格。

今晚的心情难以形容，但是想以一首歌来表达心情。

很多人都说我是个聪明的女孩，可是我只是想说，聪明的人有时也是最蠢的。

因为，我往往喜欢明知故犯，做些不应该做的事。

有人说我很固执。其实，我真的很固执但我不是每样事情都保持那份执着。

看那样事务；人；是不是值得我那么位那份执着而背上那份“固执”的称号。

陈润琦是我。我愿意谦虚；愿意付出；愿意尊重，都是为了在我的人生中学习更多做人的意义。

就是那么多。想送上这首歌来表达现在的心情。

不如不见（粤）

作曲：陈小霞 填词：林夕

编曲：孙伟明、C.Y.、陈珀

监制：Davy Chan、C.Y.、Eason Chan

演唱：陈奕迅

头沾湿无可避免

伦敦总依恋雨点

乘早机忍耐着呵欠

完全为见你一面

寻得到尘封小店

回不到相恋那天

灵气大概早被污染

谁为了生活不变

越渴望见面然后发现

中间隔着那十年

我想见的笑脸只有怀念

不懂怎去再聊天

像我在往日还未抽烟

不知你怎么变迁

似等了一百年忽已明白

即使再见面

成熟地表演

不如不见

A Letter to Myself

Dear Yoon Khee,

How are you doing lately? Ever wonder why I am writing to you? Well, it's 11th November 2013 today, forty-five minutes past twelve midnight and I got so demotivated and emotional. I needed someone to listen to me. I know people hate listening to rants but perhaps a thin chance for me to release some stress and emotions? At least someone would have read it and console me a little?

Thanks for being such a pal to me. It's been a while, since I last felt miserable and demotivated. Today, things have gotten so dumb that I tend to fall into this "emotional" period where I just feel like crying.

I do not know how to describe this feelings but it's so complicated that you do not even know why is this dumb feeling is coming back after all you've buried it deep down somewhere. Remember a few months ago? Yea, you know? That few months where you cried almost every night because you faced so much stress, so much that you wanted to leave the house and just be a homeless?

Well, things weren't easy. I tried bringing myself back from misery. I found hope. I tried and well, it's not easy but I'll keep going.

Through the "happy" and "hopeful" times I consider, people around me have been so nice and gave me certain offers. I bet it was so overwhelming and so I was so excited. Then it came, some really not going your way. You have to climb so hard to reach there. Lots of promises and offers, sometimes disappointment. Why does this feeling must be like some sort of "life cycle"? Is it a must where you try to scale your journey to your dream? I am not sure but I can definitely say, life is not easy, we'll just have to promise to give the best to ourselves.

Please remind me to love myself more and to help myself in achieving what I am aiming for, go for my dreams. If nobody appreciates you, you'll have to appreciate yourself more. Wipe off your tears now and keep going. You will have to look for opportunities yourself instead my dear.

Take Care.

Love,
Myself

I'm sorry but I have to Say...

I come across a lot of friends, I always talk to different types of people from young to those who're older and today, a friend of mine, brought up some interesting topics on education and career. (Before I get to give some of my opinions on this, PLEASE be open minded enough to consider opinions of others before you challenge them.) 

Well, I personally think, universities aren't the ONLY channel for you to get knowledge. In fact, even for those who're in universities, I doubted their level of maturity and how much they actually know in this world. Knowledge can be captured if and only if that person is willing to learn, think out of the box and be adaptable to any changes in life. It's all depending to that particular person him/herself. Universities don't help much if that person don't have certain maturity to involve themselves in the "Love for Knowledge", I remember another word to represent the love for knowledge is "philosophy". So, I guess character & personality matters? It shows how much you're craving for knowledge to become wiser. 

Another topic was this, Career. Some of them thought, once they stepped into the real corporate world, or just some workforce. They will have better chances and opportunities to earn fast money. I asked, how do you define fast money? Alright, I get that. "Fast money", you may get money fast, but the matter of getting sufficient to achieve financial freedom for your future is a totally different thing. Then, I asked again. Even if you have earned all that you needed and wanted, it's just more than sufficient but are you able to maintain what you get previously? The chances of losing money can be much easier as compared to earning nothing at all from the beginning, perhaps, in just a second? The skills to earn money is essential, the knowledge to achieve financial freedom is crucial and the will to maintain the skills & knowledge of both in order to "keep" your financial freedom status is critical.

What I want to bring in here is that, many don't have much knowledge on what they're doing in life. They don't have a direction and in fact, they're just trying to hit the wall all the time. Hitting the wall is a good experience to learn and get you smarter but again, it's all depending on the person him/herself. Some fall for zillions of times and never learn anything, keep making the same mistakes. Then, your "hitting wall experience" is just sad enough to be considered as a waste of energy and your time. Some they thought, they are "okay" with what they have now. They're "happy" with what's enough now but, this "NOW" doesn't mean the "NOW" in the future. If you never have planned for your "future", I doubted that your "future" will ever plan to give you the ideal life you have never thought of for the future. In another word, I would say, ignorance kills a person slowly, it may not be "now" but I hope not it'll happen to your future "NOW". 

A person who never want to explore and learn, well, I wish you all the best. I hope you get what I mean. Knowledge is everywhere and it's just an infinite subject to talk about, to explore along your journey of life. I don't hope to see my friends or even myself to be "eliminated" by the society or even in just your community in the future. It's pretty normal, it's called the natural selection. If you're not the best, well, it's sad to say, you're not into the game. 

Sorry if I've offended any one of you. I just want to share what I see along my way. Anyway, all the best everybody. I wish everyone of you may get the ideal future of yours. Shine bright. Take care =)

Regards,

YoonKhee 

I Exist...Childhood, From an Unknown.

I've something to confess but before that please allow me to ask a few questions & I sincerely hope that you open up your mind and not being bias to any statements that I am making here, you may not experienced it before but that's my true story. 

 Have you ever been looked down by others especially your peers (girls to be precise because many of them focus sooo much on appearance), judging you that if you're just a fat bump, you don't even have the chance to get into our group (so-called/assumed popular group). 

I'm not sure about you but I experienced it most probably back when I was in primary & secondary school, I've quite an ordinary features and I was pretty much fat they called, and now I am still a bit chubby but a lot better as compared to those days and you know what? You couldn't even get anybody to just give a lil more attention to you, some teachers of course, I still remember, they pretty much like those with good looks and some get even worse by judging us (stereotype) as a group of "lazy" students.

I still remember, there's this teacher, that subject I was pretty weak in, I tried asking her some questions because you know I was really really weak in that subject & of course, it's very obvious that I was a lot weaker than the rest of the students, I asked, "Mdm. XXX, I don't know how to do this question, can you please teach me?". Guess what did she answer? "Aiyo!! This question also don't know how to do a!?" Then something else, I don't remember what she added in some more but the fact it, she never even bother to teach me those questions I asked after criticizing you with such harsh words (I presummed it was harsh because you get me? I was just a primary school child). I was quite hurt and demotivated and I thought of giving up this subject because this teacher wouldn't even bother to look at my results. Then it went the same for some years from some other teachers as well. To be honest, it's a sad fact that, there are people like this, judge you based on your look, especially when you are not in good shape. 

So, to those teachers who thought that you're so great, you have such power to contribute your knowledge and to serve the society, please be passionate with what you're doing and please stop being an "ASS" or a "BITCH" infront of your students (sorry for my vulgar words). You give huge impacts in their lives, including me. That's why, I dislike being a teacher even though I had the chance to.

Another reason, I dislike being in this field because I experienced something which I don't like most, "forming gangs/groups", boycott the less popular ones and stuff. You would never understand the politics in a school, especially from the principals, from the management department, from the "gangs" and not forgetting "women gossiping skills". I understand women gossips, but when you have a school with only "women" existence, those are not any other ordinary gossips. Those gossips are filled with "jealousies", "hatret", "kiasu" and pretty much the MOST hurtful words that I had ever overheard in my entire life. Besides that, I think Malaysian education system, doesn't really work that efficiently.

To be really clear, IT'S NOT WORKING FOR ME & A LOT OF STUDENTS!!! That's why a lot of them DROPPED OUT FROM SCHOOLS!! NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE STUPID,IT's BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR WAY OF TEACHING!! It's because the system is primarily focusing on just academic performances. I would strongly suggest to the authority one day, to consider a system which requires children in their early childhood, to do a personality/ character test, so that they would roughly get an idea on what will that child excel in his/her future & not just based on those subjects you presummed must be scored to catogorized as one of those "SMART" people in the society.  

Yea, I was once a temporary teacher in some schools. I want children and students to love me and not hate me and because I hated the system so much, I decided to do something else which I think I can excel in life. Yea, I'm indeed really happy with what I am doing now because I get to decide what I always wanted! 

Coming back to "pretty" looks. Yes! I hated this culture so much when people get to judge me all the time and put a label on me that I am not capable of doing this and that because for the reason, I am fat!? I hate to bring in gender discussion when it comes to any topics because I believe in equalities but some men, they only like slim and pretty ones. Some of my tuition mates, boys of course, they laughed so hard at me for being chubby and fat. They want perfect modelly look to consider as "normal good looking" girls. Hey! Come on! Those are celebrities and Models!! Out of 10 girls, how many of them are actually super-modelly, celebrity good looking one!? Didn't you take any probability studies back in your school time!? Most of us in the world are in fact, normal and decent looking which I think it's more than sufficient already. It is the personality and the character which brings out the "self" in you, to "feature" your ordinary face into extraordinary you! The confidence and the wisdom you portray, those makes you standout among the people within.

Everybody has their own strengths to look upon, nobody is born to deserve to be unknown and to be ignored. And YOU!! To those men out there, YOU've made the society to become abnormal. And YOU!! Girls!! Why are you all going for plastic surgeries!? (I'm not against plastic surgeries, it's your own choice as long as you are happy) To make yourself all look the same? "Korean/ Japanese perfect features, hair, figures and etc" What's wrong with being "normal"!? What's wrong with having a little imperfections!? What's wrong with not following the trend to go for surgeries!? I know some of you, YOU already have really good features, hair, structure and everything but you're still not satisfied! Come on! The world is changing into a "clone" world just because of these bunch of girls, not satisfied with their existing pretty features and they make us all "normal" people thought that we are all UGLY!

NO!!! The world should't go like this!! The world should function well with those "unfound" talents all around us. The world doesn't function just based on your appearance. Let's say in this case, let's just make a pretty girl statue just to let you look at, all it does it for you to take pictures only. It doesn't move! Yea! That's what I'm talking about, a person with only good look & without portraying any personality in oneself, I'm sorry to say, you're just a vegetable, a vase. 

I was once been criticized, stereotyped, biased, looked down because of my apperance. The society itself didn't allow me to function as human with my hidden talents. The reason why I always go hardcore to just slim down and lose weight, it's because I want to prove YOU wrong!! I want to break through this disfunctionally culture. Fat people are not ugly, they have just been abandoned by the society. Most of them give up trying to shine their hidden talents because they feel despair and tired of facing challenges during the process of becoming a better self. I'm trying to change and still continuing to get wisdoms, knowledge everywhere till the end of my life, and I know how it feels to be abandoned and not having any attention from anybody where you desperately want to show it to the rest of the world, you're just more than what they could think of. 

All we want is chances and opportunities. 

***Don't get me wrong, I'm not against plastic surgery, I'm against pretty people, I'm not saying it's not important to dress in a presentable way (Yea, it's manners, showing that you are being respectful for that occasion or to those people, so you need to.) It's just that, don't evolve into a society where only perfect looking people are acceptable. 

***To those who tell me that appearance is not important at all and refuse to improve yourself. I know it's hard, the process of changing and adapting yourself into a new "You" it's challenging but you have to. It's a way to present yourself, a way to portray your character, what you dress, how do you do your makeup tells a lot about you. It shows whether you're an easy-going person or a daring person and etc. Please take your first step out from your comfortzone, being comfortable is not beneficial, it kills you slowly because you give excuses to yourself from getting the opportunities to improve. 

***Please don't hate me for what I've said. It's just my sharing. I hope you would just give a little attention to this matter in this society. I am not an attention whore. In fact, I always kept myself hidden (low-profile) when I go out alone. I don't dress like some super star, or I don't dance Gangnam Style in the middle of the road to get attention. I am just the person who's bold enough to voice out some topics which the society think is not okay to talk about. 

Lastly, who am I to talk about these? Well, I'm nobody, just no difference among any other normal people but what I have within me, only those who are interested to know more about me, get along with me well. They are friends and buddies, my family who are giving attentions to me. Keep themselves updated with what improvements I've gained. 

Thanks for reading. 

***2 years ago and the last picture on the right, it's the recent me. Didn't change much but I tried and yes, I'm still trying. 

Best Regards, 

YoonKhee Chin 

Ordinary Malaysian Girl 

I'm Starting Another Blog because I want to Start a New Journey of Life

Life is so tough that sometimes I get really tired of pretending how strong I can be in front of all the people around me. I'm starting a new blog, somehow it's not solely because I want to start a new page in my life, it's because I am jotting down every single details on what I experienced in my life. 

It's been 3 months since I broke up with him and I still feel sorry for him and myself because we couldn't continue our relationship. I had great memories from the 5 years relationships we had even though shit happened sometimes. I still care for him even though I know he hates me for not being able to be with him now because I wanted to look for a person who has the same goal with me in life, to achieve what we dreamed of. I wanted a person who can support me throughout my journey. I dream big, I need the one beside me who has dreams as well. 

After the breakup, I met another him. I knew him since when I was 14 and now I am 22, roughly 8 years, but we barely had good conversations throughout these years because we could never agree on each others' point of views.We stopped contacting each other for a while. 

One day, it was one of the days on weekends while I was working, this call came in. It's him, who called. I was surprised and I wondered why. I picked up the phone, he said: "Hello, how are you? XX here, where are you now? Are you free to come out to have a drink?" and of course in between the conversation, I thought to myself, he's such an old friend to me, might as well I meet him up. So I replied: "Sure!" 

Then, I eventually found out that he has changed a lot. I was sorta admire him but that time I never fell for him yet. Until the day he sent me a message, saying "It was nice catching up with you and...".

Slowly, I fall for him....

In the process, yes...

I felt guilty, I felt confused. For having to love him....

I experienced criticisms. People started calling me "Bitch, whore and so on." because they thought I fell for him because of his career and money. All those verbal abuses, hurt me much.My ex's friends, I doubted that they looked down on me before for what I am doing now but I just want them to know, it hurts even if it's the slightest bit of criticism.

At the end, I finally managed to deal with these criticisms and moved on. He finally got me. 

Our relationship ended in just 2 months time. Maybe it's because of God decisions? That I cannot have him?

I was really happy with him and when I thought I rely my hopes on him in the future....

This news came to me: "My ex is pregnant with my baby....". He told me...

I was shocked, I almost collapse and gets quite emotional. I told him, "I'll leave..."

After some time, when I really got the chance to calm down and think again. I thought, "I shouldn't just leave him like this, I should support him at this moment."

I called up, texted to him. I never get any reply from him anymore. 

Until this afternoon, I told him, "Is it okay if we could talk? I know you needed support, I want to help, because I need support too." 

I finally got heartbreaking reply: " No its not okay. I am settling my own issues my way. Thanks for the giving concern but I don't need support and I don't need talks. You continue like this it's gonna make things worst. That's all. I said on whatsapp I won't reply already. So this is the last time I'm saying." 

I felt terrible, I was in class. I wanted to cry but at the end, I just hold back. I was terribly heartbroken. I sent him the last message, "I'm sorry."

Today, I'm still thinking of him. I'm curious, I really want to know what's the true story behind. Was the news true? Or he just want to find an excuse to leave me? 

I dare not look for him anymore because I'm heartbroken. He does not bother to care anymore and I know. 

All I need now is time, some time to recover....