Life is so tough that sometimes I get really tired of pretending how strong I can be in front of all the people around me. I'm starting a new blog, somehow it's not solely because I want to start a new page in my life, it's because I am jotting down every single details on what I experienced in my life.
It's been 3 months since I broke up with him and I still feel sorry for him and myself because we couldn't continue our relationship. I had great memories from the 5 years relationships we had even though shit happened sometimes. I still care for him even though I know he hates me for not being able to be with him now because I wanted to look for a person who has the same goal with me in life, to achieve what we dreamed of. I wanted a person who can support me throughout my journey. I dream big, I need the one beside me who has dreams as well.
After the breakup, I met another him. I knew him since when I was 14 and now I am 22, roughly 8 years, but we barely had good conversations throughout these years because we could never agree on each others' point of views.We stopped contacting each other for a while.
One day, it was one of the days on weekends while I was working, this call came in. It's him, who called. I was surprised and I wondered why. I picked up the phone, he said: "Hello, how are you? XX here, where are you now? Are you free to come out to have a drink?" and of course in between the conversation, I thought to myself, he's such an old friend to me, might as well I meet him up. So I replied: "Sure!"
Then, I eventually found out that he has changed a lot. I was sorta admire him but that time I never fell for him yet. Until the day he sent me a message, saying "It was nice catching up with you and...".
Slowly, I fall for him....
In the process, yes...
I felt guilty, I felt confused. For having to love him....
I experienced criticisms. People started calling me "Bitch, whore and so on." because they thought I fell for him because of his career and money. All those verbal abuses, hurt me much.My ex's friends, I doubted that they looked down on me before for what I am doing now but I just want them to know, it hurts even if it's the slightest bit of criticism.
At the end, I finally managed to deal with these criticisms and moved on. He finally got me.
Our relationship ended in just 2 months time. Maybe it's because of God decisions? That I cannot have him?
I was really happy with him and when I thought I rely my hopes on him in the future....
This news came to me: "My ex is pregnant with my baby....". He told me...
I was shocked, I almost collapse and gets quite emotional. I told him, "I'll leave..."
After some time, when I really got the chance to calm down and think again. I thought, "I shouldn't just leave him like this, I should support him at this moment."
I called up, texted to him. I never get any reply from him anymore.
Until this afternoon, I told him, "Is it okay if we could talk? I know you needed support, I want to help, because I need support too."
I finally got heartbreaking reply: " No its not okay. I am settling my own issues my way. Thanks for the giving concern but I don't need support and I don't need talks. You continue like this it's gonna make things worst. That's all. I said on whatsapp I won't reply already. So this is the last time I'm saying."
I felt terrible, I was in class. I wanted to cry but at the end, I just hold back. I was terribly heartbroken. I sent him the last message, "I'm sorry."
Today, I'm still thinking of him. I'm curious, I really want to know what's the true story behind. Was the news true? Or he just want to find an excuse to leave me?
I dare not look for him anymore because I'm heartbroken. He does not bother to care anymore and I know.
All I need now is time, some time to recover....
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